Mythical Midwife

Haemorrhoids.

So I lie here this morning nursing my pile

Not done this for a while

Add another new thing to my list I mean

Of the perks of my job, not all keep me keen

I mostly finish my shifts now in one of two states

It’s really not worth the enhanced pay rates

PTSD if I’ve hit the eye of the storm

Or survivor guilt, also now often the norm

Seems like noone is listening to our desperate pleas

Our crumbling service is now on it’s knees

And these women keep coming with their cocktail of needs

The bar now so high, we can’t always succeed

Many want pain free births at a time they can choose

It’s no wonder some midwives are turning to booze

We offer monitoring, scans and fancy new tests

It’s hardly surprising that no one can rest

We’ve committed a terrible terrible breach

By suggesting perfection’s in everyone’s reach

For every 30 who qualify, one will survive

Others find greener pastures, and I’m hardly surprised

I could earn much more money enhancing your lips

Than I can guiding babes through your childbearing hips

So how does a haemorrhoid come with the job?

On top of back pain, anxiety and  a good snotty sob?

Well at 5 am when there’s no Midwife to Call

The words “crap yourself” really do say it all

But there’s not even time to relieve at leisure

Two minutes max under this extreme pressure

By 8  the fresh troops begin to arrive

By some miracle all from your watch still alive

You’ve navigated quite a treacherous sea

With staffing so poor it can only be

A matter of time before things go awry

Parents babies and midwives will suffer and die

But the politicians of course will all be ok

As will lawyers who profit from us every day

For a midwife a bad day at work is no joke

My job’s not about money, or giving my ego a stroke

If we can’t get it right at the start of a life

Then we’re really in strife