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The Midwife’s Mask
Your baby goes to NNU For tests and drugs That’s what they do But now the mood has somewhat changed An urgent move must be arranged Your baby’s not had a great start Seems there’s a problem with her heart We think these days we know it all With all our clever tools and tricks…
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Cord Prolapse
So many dramas in my job I couldn’t list them all There’s much scope for disagreement Between all of those on call Stuck shoulders, Haemorrhage, fitting Arrest, demise, collapse But my favourite drama of them all? A good old Cord Prolapse It’s when the umbilical cord Slips down below baby’s head We have to get…
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My Balancing Act
We’re here to speak for women Help them have the births they crave Sometimes evidence does not agree So are they wrong? Or are they brave? When I first started midwifing The new buzz word was choice Every woman would be offered it Our job? To raise their voice But this idea had many flaws…
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Bright Lights
My shiny new car Has incredible lights Feel I’m driving a spaceship That pierces the night I see so far ahead I can drive really fast Proceeding with caution A thing of the past Someone coming towards me Is shielding his eyes And he’s slowing right down To let me pass him by But it’s…
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Don’t forget the pillow!
We rush to theatre An emergency All eyes are on The CTG The midwife must Remember much And still be calm This woman’s crutch The woman must be In a gown Does she have any Caps or crowns? What’s her Obstetric history? Does she have any Allergies? When did she eat? When did she drink?…
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Time for Change
If I had a pound Every time someone said “This one will bring him down” I could stay in my bed And not go out to work For a miserable wage That gets smaller each year I am so filled with rage He plays to the cameras Kind of jolly, yet gruff And you can’t…
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I get to fund my own pay rise
On a day in December A very scared man Warned the rest of the world That we needed to plan For a horror was coming Like none seen before At least nothing like it since the Second World War We were all far too slow To respond to the warning It had already spread By…
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The Graveyard Shift
You tell me that you couldn’t ever Work my crazy hours The unspoken implication is That I have special powers But my body too Does kick up and protest My back’s killing me And my gut is a mess The scariest of births are those That come between 3 and 5 am Some staff may…
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Going the Extra Mile
There’s a lady in the waiting room Who doesn’t have a bed We hope to get her done today That’s why she’s not been fed But every time I see a chance A slot to fit her in Someone else just jumps the queue Today I’m firefighting There’s a lady in the waiting room The…
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Making people cry
I arrive at work early All eager and keen And I answer the phone Before I have seen The true state of this place For they’re all behind doors All those women now labouring Some on all fours So I tell this poor woman To stay home and wait A Caesarian was planned She was…
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16,000 steps
16,000 steps It’s what I normally do On a long day at work When I’m caring for you And not just you, my sisters, My mothers to be Partners, family and others Waiting expectantly And the freshly fledged midwives Just finding their way It can be terrifying Your very first day And those older The…
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One strike and you’re out
One strike and you’re out Says the bloke down the pub And his friends all agree ‘Cause they don’t get the nub Of this joke that’s so sad That so many can’t see That it’s luck of the draw That sets your destiny For those kids he refers to Did not have the same Start…
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Technology Rules
It starts with a fun thing It’s like a new toy That can tell if your baby’s A girl or a boy But now you are told Things aren’t looking so good Seems your baby’s not growing As fast as she should The kind Midwife you see Tries hard to reassure She has been ‘round…
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Sleeping Rough
There’s a bloke on the pavement He has a huge smile And a massive Meccano It could take him a while He lays out the pieces Takes an ordered approach I’m entranced by his focus But don’t want to encroach And people are staring Cause wow, whoever knew? That those who sleep rough Also need…
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Amazon Rant
“Just buy one online It will only cost pence” But what you fail to see Is the bigger expense Such a neat business model Start by making a loss Then you suck us all in And eventually gloss Over the fact you use offshore accounts Paying minimum wage When you think about it We should…
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My Thought for the Day
The woman who’s talking On thought for the day Has just spoken of midwives At long last! Hooray. For the rest of the world A small glimpse of a view And a chance of an insight Into how we see you We’re just hard working lads Trying to earn a fair buck Have some laughs,…
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Perks of my job: Camaraderie
A Super Special Sisterhood After all of these years I thought I’d seen it all But nothing prepared me For tonight’s desperate call It went out on Facebook At quarter to eight It said “please come and help, We don’t care if you’re late” “We have 15 inductions And 10 natural labours Please please come…
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Perks of my job.
Haemorrhoids. So I lie here this morning nursing my pile Not done this for a while Add another new thing to my list I mean Of the perks of my job, not all keep me keen I mostly finish my shifts now in one of two states It’s really not worth the enhanced pay rates…
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Mythical Midwife 